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Friday, February 25th, 2005

Time:8:46 am.
I had a spinal tap yesterday...It killed, I cried. Im still in pain. The end.
Comments: 3 RazorBlades x.X.x The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Sunday, February 13th, 2005

Time:9:37 am.
HAVE YOU EVER...Read more...Collapse )
Comments: 6 RazorBlades x.X.x The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Tuesday, February 8th, 2005

Time:6:51 pm.
Mood: drained.
I went back to the doctor today he had my results from the mri, the mrv, and the blood tests, basically he says he has no clue whats causing me to still be sick so now i have to go get a spinal tap, I really really do not like the sound of that...Umm on a less painful topic i so far applied to 9 schools one rejected me, two accepted me, and and 6 I dont have answers from yet I hate this process it takes to long and i still have a few schools to apply to. So far i got into Caldwell, and felician..both of which really dont thrill me so im waiting it out and hoping for more. Hood is the one that rejected me, its a really reallllly tiny private school in maryland they rocked though cause they had like 300000 majors, oh well i didnt want to move to maryland anyway. there are 6 more on my list that i need to apply to thats 15 schools in all, thats insane! but im leaving my options open heh. Im probably gonna cut a few of those though cause 2 out of the 6 that i havent applied to yet im a little unsure about so as of now the count is still at 9 school and only 3 answers, but i do have an interview with a rep. from st. elizabeth on march 5th and i like that school so hopefully all goes well.
I've missed so much school lately with all the doctors appointments and with all the fits of me randomly passing out. its lovely. Extreme migranes, blurred vision, body aches, everything in the world and they dont know whats wrong yet. all they found in the mri was a white spot on my brain but of course they have no idea what that is either. I always get sick i know that but this is so different i actually get these "spells" were i cant talk i go dizzy i get confused and theres extreme head pain. ehhhh oh well no more typing im gonna go call kenny3.14. Hope everyones doing well. <3<3Jazzy
Comments: The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Thursday, December 30th, 2004

Subject:Stole this from c-unit. P.S.-- I miss you coco
Time:10:06 pm.
Mood: calm.
Have you kissed someone?...Read more...Collapse )
Comments: 2 RazorBlades x.X.x The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Saturday, December 25th, 2004

Time:4:14 pm.
damn, its been forever since i updated this, I forgot about my myspace account too....My p.c. still isnt working so im never on, but yeah wow, merry christmas everyone. I promise to update sometime soon. <3
Comments: The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Thursday, November 11th, 2004

Time:11:04 am.
yesterday was the worst day of my life. Tuesday was the wake and it was hard beyond belief to get through, but yesterday was the worst. I sat there with my grandmother in my arms trying not to cry. Yesterday was the funeral. Tuesday night i practically ran out of the wake with everyone starring at me. I couldnt stop myself from crying. Yesterday i tried even harder but when i put my rose on his coffin i burst into tears. I dont think any of them realize what he ment to me. I got home in the afternoon and slept right through to like 10:30 at night. These last few days have been impossible. I wrote him a letter 4 pages and along with that left him my college essay, in the coffin with him. I know he would appreciate that. I love him so much. Ohhh man i cant start talking about this again or ill cry and my eyes already burn...... yeah anyway okay thank you to everyone who has been there for me, honestly thank you to you guys it means the world. So in other non crying news my aol is gone, not cool for all my college emails and stuff, nor my buddy list being gone. Rawr. oh well not that important. It sucks but not the most important thing on my mind.Hmm well i gotta get some work done cause im most likely going back to school tomorrow. thanks again everyone. <3
Comments: The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Saturday, November 6th, 2004

Subject:You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy when skys are gray.
Time:12:35 am.
I knew it would happen, I was almost sure that last night would have been it. I stayed there over night holding his hand, trying not to cry. failing at it, and just praying a thing i dont often do, but praying for his peace, praying for his rest. He wouldnt talk to anyone but my mother and then me for a little while. I sang him our song, I told him how much i loved him and yet again i pray he heard atleast some of it. He raised me in a way. He spoiled me. Loved me. Taught me things, and inspired me to want more out of life. I love him for his lessons, for his mind, and for his heart. I didnt want to leave, i really didnt and we said our goodbyes and he screamed stay, so we did...and after alot of cry and time, his heart finally stabilized a little and we decide rest was the best thing for him. We left at almost 6 in the morning this morning. Its so unreal of a feeling to know something and not being able to grasp it yet?...He passed away this afternoon. I was sleeping at kens and i can remember waking up out of no where and looking at the clock at a little after three, it wasnt till my parents showed up at kens with the news that i realized that is when he had passed. He was more of a father to me, he was more of everything to me. Im sitting here feeling like it hasnt hit me, yes i have been hysterical since i found out around 7 but i know thats not it. I know its going to hurt every day. I miss his soo much. Im mad he had to be sick, im mad he had to suffer, but im happy hes at rest now. He was my world. He still is. I wish i could hold him. I know she's in shock too. I only wish i could be there right now with her. I dont know where to go from here. how do i just move on? I cant. I dont know how to do this. I dont know what im supposed to do. Yes ive experienced death before, and yeah badly but not like this. My entire 17 years of life have been spent with this man. His stories flood my thoughts. His smell makes me feel comforted, and I just cant imagine how i cant crawl into bed next to him acting like im still 5 years old and cuddle, or wake up and make him breakfast, or have our hour upon hour long conversations about life, and memories. I know hes resting, I need to be happy for that. I have sat's in the morning and even though i just got home i need to go to them, I cant give up. Education ment the world to him. I wrote my college essay about him a few weeks ago. He really is the original true person who made me feel like i could reach any of my goals. I loved him, I still DO LOVE him, I always will, i just dont know what to do, and im sitting here with my eyes soo sore and tears still falling and i just cant stop repeating I want my grandpa back. Hes mine, its not fair. Hes everything. why does he have to be the one to go. Why did he have to get alzhiemers, and why did he have to get parkinsons, and why did he have to get cancer...GOD DAMNIT WHY, why is it that the one person who was always honest and never tried to be anything he wasnt had to suffer...I dont know what to do, not even a little bit. Im scared. Im upset. Im angry. Im confused. I just dont even know. It feels like there a black hole right in the center of me, and I have no idea how to fix that.
Comments: 8 RazorBlades x.X.x The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Sunday, October 24th, 2004

Time:12:16 pm.
Mood: cold.
Okay so i have never taken the psat's or the sat's before so i figured it was about time...I took the sats a few weeks ago at north, I just got my scores...Im very sad...very very sad...Okay i know i didnt answer a bit of the questions but i still hoped for a better score, Im such a dumbass seriously i should have just guessed. Oh well....anyway yeah I got a 1080 that makes me very sad. I have to do three thousand times better on the november ones in order to get into a decent college, it wouldnt be that bad if i had done well in school but i need these scores. Rawr. Did anyone else to badly the first time? I seriously pray i get atleast a 13...or even a high 12..but starting with a 1080 isnt to pleasant.
Comments: 4 RazorBlades x.X.x The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Monday, October 18th, 2004

Time:5:34 am.
Mood: okay.
wow. Its been forever since i've updated, and even when i do update its usually friends only, so i figured i'd just let this one go. Lately there hasnt been anything out of the ordinary in my life to be all dramatic about and type an entry heh, its just been same old same old. Im really tired right now but i guess im more awake then usual on a monday morning. This week i have so much to get done. Most everyone knows what school they wanna go to, and i have nooooo idea, this week i have to do applications and such. I get my SAT scored friday, i should have done well it honestly wasnt that bad, but im re-taking them in november anyway cause i want the highest score i can get...Well i need the highest score i can get, my class rank and gpa suck. I reallly wanted to do great this marking period and start my year fresh but its been so hard with being sick and then with my grandpa in the hospital, and everything. Hmm well i can only wish for the best. I hope everyone is well. I havent talked to alot of people lately ive been going from school to work and then only having a little time to hang before i need to sleep so i can do it all over again. Exhausted like woah lately, physically and mentally..ehh oh well. Okay well i have to go call kenneth and wake him up, so i should get going maybe i'll update with a little more later, byess <3
Comments: The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Sunday, September 26th, 2004

Subject:in no way is this a real update..
Time:3:25 am.
Just got home a lil bit ago, it was an extremly long day, but some of it was good.. My stomach is killing me and i feel sick. The end. nitenite.
Comments: The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Thursday, September 23rd, 2004

Time:11:25 pm.
I bought my first car today.. I plan on making it look nifty.
I bought a 1985 cutlass supreme, its p-i-m-p lol. heh yeah be nice if i could drive it legally right? Heh shoulda done that like 2 years ago..oh well soon soon but yeah its cute, and i got it cheap...lets take back cute..its a beast, Im going to make it nifty though lol..heh atleast it runs well.. and ken got his system in today, hot-ness. muah.

p.s. i havent updated in so long i didnt realize the format changed..
Comments: 4 RazorBlades x.X.x The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Wednesday, September 15th, 2004

Subject:long ass day, to long to write about...
Time:10:51 pm.
If LJ Was a Bar by Karen_Walker
Username
Bartenderxoemmyx3
Bouncersorrowsending
Dancing Badlyxshanxnonx
Playing Poolnegativeoutlook
Playing Darts_misundersto0d
Singing Karaokedumb_kid_me
Got in with a Fake IDdumb_reminders
Guy with a Mulletbleedingguilt
Too Drunk to Standmeinthestars
Hitting on Everyoneits_just_enough
Hot Chickdothewrongthing
Quiz created with MemeGen!
Comments: The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Monday, September 6th, 2004

Subject:"Save a horse, ride a cowboy."
Time:7:48 pm.
Mood: mellow.
Long time no update. School started my classes were screwed up yet again, and since im in Ple, they cant give me world lit, so thats no fair and since my physics has to be 7th i cant take statistics, so stratton is getting me enrolled in after school classes at occ, so i can earn college credit by taking statistics there...I deffinitly dont want to go to occ in the long run though so I need to start looking at schools. I gotta start work again tomorrow i havent gone in like a week, im a slacker, i know. Started a new myspace account cause i seemed to have lost my old one. I know i made one like a year back but who the hell knows what it was. Hmmmm random thoughts..last night made me soooo happy, sooo very happy, it was perfect, just like "old times" today was fun toooooo. I went to see without a paddle today..seriously it seemed like we were the only ones over 8 who werent parents. I had some serious discussions with two people who mean alot to me yesterday, Im glad with the outcome. I need to get to the dmv this week, its pathetic that i still dont have a permit at 17. rawr, oh well no use getting all rawred about it..nothing i can do to change it tonight. Im drinking koolaid, its fun and tasty, just incase any of you wanted to know...hmm yeah soooo umm i cant believe or long weekend it over with already. no fun. Noooooo fun at all, seriously ive only been in school a few days so far and already im sick of it. I just need to graduate now. picture it a lovely summer day walking down in a cap and gown and then flipping of stanziano...Ohh the joy of no more school..the bastard actually stopped in the middle of the hall to stare at me and then ask me if i was going to give him trouble this year....So yeah i asked him if he planned on giving me trouble...that man hates me. Oh well. I need to clean my room, ive been putting it off for weeks now, its disgusting...I cant see my floor. actually i know it sounds crazy but my room is so messy that i lost two of my cats yesterday. Oh man im a bum... yeah so work and school tomorrow or well school and work and then i need sleep, havent gotten any of that lately. well i should get going. Update some time in the near future hopefully, byess <3
Comments: The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Saturday, August 21st, 2004

Subject:sleep..whats that?
Time:4:12 am.
i should be sleeping now i was all ready to, i got off the phone i was basically passing out and then bam and somehow got the energy to stay alive at this hour. I was supposed to wake up at 6 anyway so i guess staying up till then wont hurt much...Im off to new york, or philly at 7:30 am whichever one they choose last minute but i wanted to go shopping and i begged heh. Im gonna be working alot of hours next week so i wont have time for it cause next week is the last week i have before my shift change to nigt crew cause of school. Ehhh im not looking foward to all of this, but i must say i am looking foward to seeing those people i actually missed this summer...Oh man it went by sooo quickly. I just keeping thinking to myself, this is the last year and i cant screw up. I know i can do it but im such a slacker i seriously am, i hope for the best this year for me and everyone. We all deserve a little accomplishment time if you ask me. well...Too many IM's and too little sleep, so im gonna sign off.byes.
Comments: 1 RazorBlade x.X.x The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Friday, August 20th, 2004

Time:9:40 am.
Ive only been to work one day this week, heh thats probably not a good thing going from 40 hours a week to 7 hmm....yeah actually im supposed to be getting ready for work right now im going in late today this week was excused i was sick. better now though. Ummm okay well i only had a minute just wanted to update with my new cell number cause my last cell was forever and a half ago lol im not good with them...but yeah you should all call me 848-448-8311 byesss <3
Comments: The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Monday, August 16th, 2004

Time:8:56 am.
OH man it has been like an entire month since ive seen LJ...so saddd, heh yeah so my dsl broke i dunno hwo and madre wouldnt get anythign fixed so now finally last night she loaded a new dialup aol on hers, it sucks and its not on my p.c. but atleast i can get on for a few seconds. I have to leave for work any minute im already late,lifes been crazy. i miss everyone well some of you atleast it really occured to me that this is the last summer of high school only yesterday as i was sitting in kens car. Think about that for a sec. oh man. I'll be moving out in may and trying to buy a car now, and its just crazy to sit and think where i was 6 months ago and where ill be six months from now....oh well i gotta run hopefulyl i can get on after i get home tonight, byess <3
Comments: 4 RazorBlades x.X.x The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Monday, July 19th, 2004

Time:6:52 pm.
long time no update, yeahhhhh in fact long time no talking to how many people. Okay so anyway i got kicked out yet again but then they claimed i was a missing person cute huh? Thanks to casey and ken and slim and yeah cause they kicked ass with helping me when i was going through this shit and still am and slim thank you so much you have no idea how great of a person you are for helping me out and i really do consider you a good friend & and ken for wiping away every tear that i have had and making me feel better always....and casey for being strong with me too and all of you guys for fucking owning the world. I dunno when I'll be able to get online next but i wanted to say yeah i hope i do soon and i miss you all...
And for the point of my entry....
Dont read my fucking journal or my friends journals, you want to lie to everyone and make me out to be the bad one just wait cause you'll loose at the pathetic game your playing. I can tell the truth and seek results you just make up stories, and you wont win, I can promise you that.
yeah you suck bye.
Comments: The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Monday, July 12th, 2004

Subject:Kens post was amazing. I dunno how he does it..
Time:7:41 pm.
So i havent updated in forever, Ive been working non stop, but since by law i cant work over forty and i was pulling over 50 i got in trouble well my boss did and now i wont be working as much, the pay checks wont be great but atleast I'll have more "friend" time. I miss everyone so much. This past week was even more insane then the rest, and soo much was going on but im glad i got some stuff worked out and im glad im understood. Hmmm Yeah so parents are gettign rid of aol i dunno what happened but i had 17 new emails in my box and when i got home they were all deleted along with all of my favorites, I wanted to shot the world. it had all my bank info and all my everythign i kept on my computer but yeah im okay and its just rawr, but i dunno whats going on with it, So i havent been on much, hell im never on i just usually have an away message up. Hmm i let my brother borrow 150 he guilt tripped me into it, he better pay me back. I wanna work nights, this day thing sucks but i guess the only good thing is it will give me the chance to see friends more. So i should get going Not much to say well there always is but i dont feel like typing all thats ever on my mind or we'd be here for days. I miss you all and you should all call me byess <3
Comments: The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Tuesday, July 6th, 2004

Time:10:35 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
Rawr..im exhausted, i need to update, I'll do that soon...
Comments: The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

Thursday, July 1st, 2004

Time:4:17 pm.
Hmmmm so its been a while since i updated, im never home anymore sorry, good thing is im getting my new cell in a lil while so you should all call me...Anywho So yeah Hmmm Let me see what have i been up to...Sturday night i got a hotel room at caesars casino in atlantic city and Leigh and I went, it was fun times. Crazy-ness though, we were called baby and sexy and everything else in the world about 500 times from various guys if not more. There was a bachelors party down the hall they tried to give us money to dance, yadayada, lotsssss of junk happened that night i dont want to re think it alll, but long story short crazy times crazy people and to sleep at 5am..it was just insane but i was a good girl and I stayed out of trouble! Sooo hmmm i started work monday Its not too bad, its harder then i though but its pretty cool. I was supposed to work till 8 tonight but i got out early.I gotta work saturday from 9-3 but then most likely i'll be up in south brunswick for the night...Hmm not really lots to say...Anyone have a 7-9 hspa class? I didnt get my papers yet, growl have to take a damn class for 5 points. Oh well...Oh fun news, that english final I got an A on it, I just got my report card its actually nto bad all my final grades are either a b or c i mean c isnt great but hey its okay for the shitty work ive done but the sucky part is the w/f for math since i got kicked out, im trying to work a million hours so i can raise money to make up that class with the online summer course. Well I'll get going, Im probably hanging with k-dawg tonight. Talk to all you gangsta's later, byess <3

Ohhhhhh p.s. hotel party = 2 more weeks at the hilton in AC....yuppers thats if leigh and I can work it out by then, but everyone should come and stay it will be pure nifty-ness heh byes
Comments: 5 RazorBlades x.X.x The one you broke..Tell them what you really feel

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